


Didn't think it would come to this

by Pitstuck



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Benrey is bad at being human, Denial of Feelings, Gordon has PTSD, Gordon is trying to be a good dad but it's hard, Gordon's ex wife is mentioned at one point, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not A Game AU, Panic Attacks, Rejection, Slow Burn, angsty, frenemies to lovers, happens before the acab streams, internalized homophobia i guess?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 08:55:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25348084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pitstuck/pseuds/Pitstuck
Summary: Benrey suddenly appears at Gordon's doorstep, not sure how to react he takes the former security guard in. They get along pretty well until one night in particular
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 20
Kudos: 101





	1. I can't believe this

* * *

It has been a few days now since Tommy's birthday party. Things have been dying down since Black Mesa, Gordon finally got to spend time with Joshua again, and he was more than happy to have his dad back.

Gordon still felt guilty about being away from Joshua for so long, but he couldn't to anything about it if he wanted to. He tried making it up to him by saying "no" to rules for once. Allowing Joshua to stay up a little longer than usual or doing him little favors, just to help himself feel a little less guilty, though Joshua for sure didn't mind and already moved on from it.

He already dropped off Joshie at pre-school, he had some stuff to do today. He still had to clean the mess in the kitchen from last night, because Joshua wanted to bake some cookies to bring and share with his friends, so Gordon caved in. Of course a 4 year old doesn't know how to bake cookies and apparently neither does a 27 year old because they messed up 2 trays of cookies which caused Gordon to stay up longer than expected just to make sure his son could take some to school.

"What a mess..." He sighed, but it couldn't be helped, the mess wouldn't just disappear by wishing really hard so he had to take matters into his own hand and got to cleaning.

It took a while to clean the whole kitchen but he was finally getting done, washing the last few dishes, as a quiet knock came from his front door.

Gordon slowly turned his head around, not sure if he heard correctly. He stood there for a moment but there was only silence, so he went back to cleaning. 

_Knock, knock, knock_

So he did hear knocking. He turned off the faucet and dried his hands on his pants, making his way to the door.

_KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK_

Again, this time louder. "I'm coming!" Gordon sighed before opening the door slowly, wondering who could be the person knocking so hard on his damn door.

When he opened it fully he couldn't believe who was standing there. He was speechless, just standing in front of the entrance, staring at his opponent.

It was Benrey.

"No...No No..No! No, dude this isn't happening!! What the hell are you doing here? We killed you! How did you-" Gordon was on the verge of a panic attack already. At this point he was fine with anything but Benrey showing up again. After he thought he had died for good this time.

"I'm not human."

"I- how do you even know where I live!? Are you stalking me?"

"Tommy told me."

Gordon huffed and turned his head to the side so Benrey wouldn't be able to see his face.

_Why, Tommy? WHY? Why me??_

He took a deep breath in and quickly let it out, wasting no time to ask questions. 

"Why did you come back though? How are you alive!?"

"I'm not human, bro."

"Yeah you already said that bu- God, what the hell is that smell!?"

Benrey lifted his arm up to his face slowly, sniffing on his shirt for a moment before looking back at Gordon.

"Wuh?"

"You fucking reek, man!"

"Like what?"

"Like...rotten flesh- ugh! And blood."

Benrey just stared at the man in front of him, same expression as usual.

"Ya actin' like that's a bad thing."

Gordon covered his face with his shirt, already pissed. He just wanted to have a relaxing afternoon, take a little break or perhaps even a nap after cleaning the kitchen. But now it was ruined by Benrey standing in his doorway.

"Why did you come here? You could've just stayed at Tommy's!"

Benrey started fumbling with his hands and suddenly got quiet, still looking at Gordon.

"Idk man, just wanted to see you."

Great.

Gordon stepped closer to the security guard with a grunt, grabbing him by his sleeve while he covered his nose with the other hand. There he was again making excuses for Benrey, the man he allegedly hated so much. Obviously he didn't hate him enough to just leave him out on the streets to rot.

He kinda hated himself for being too kind sometimes, especially to Benrey. Giving him yet another chance though he definitely didn't deserve one.

Basically kicking him, Gordon pushed Benrey towards the bathroom, stopping when both of them entered. "What, ya wanna shower together huh?"

"Wha- No! You shower! Or take a fucking bath, whatever! You smell bad dude, real bad. If you wanna stay here you'll get rid of that god forsaken smell!"

No response, that same blank expression Gordon was used to by now.

Without hesitation Benrey started unbuckling his belt, about to pull his pants down.

"What the hell!" Gordon yelled and hit his shoulder. Face flushed red, he stared at Benrey, hand still in a fist.

"Can't you wait until I leave the room!?"

Stomping out of the bathroom he slammed the door behind him. The ex-scientist stopped for a moment to calm himself, _breathe in, breathe out, calm down Gordon..._

He let out a long sigh, did he really have to put up with this? He could just kick Benrey out but...he has nowhere to go, right? He can't kick him out he'd feel awful about it afterwards.

He checked the fridge to see if he'd have any snacks left to distract himself for a moment and gather some thoughts. The fridge was practically empty, of course. He closed it and noticed a handwritten note on the door, put up with a little crab magnet.

"Buy groceries" Gordon grabbed the note, and noticed something on the bottom of it, how has he not seen that before. "Ice creem" was written on it in crayon and pretty messy too. Gordon let out a chuckle, taking care of a 4 year old by himself wasn't easy but he had to admit he did miss the little shit when he wasn't home.

In that moment it hit him. Joshua would have to meet Benrey. He had to take care of two babies if Benrey decided to stay.

Gordon leaned against the fridge and slowly sank onto the ground. How could he forget, Benrey is a monster, he's not even human, he fails at basic human interactions. Constantly annoying Gordon, how can he get along with a child. Would it be too dangerous for Joshua? Benrey didn't mind killing and hurting living beings for fun, what if he...

Gordon dragged his hands down his face and let out a sigh. _Don't think stuff like that, Gordon...it'll be alright you just have to be cautious and keep an eye on him._

Gordon let out another sigh and got back to the sink, cleaning the rest of the dishes.

________

At this point it was still a while until he had to pick up Joshua from pre-school. Maybe he should prepare some stuff beforehand. He got up quickly, making his way to the bathroom and knocking, not even waiting for a response he yelled through the door.

"Benrey I'll uh, have to leave real quick and get some groceries! When you're done just- I cant believe I'm saying this... Just grab some clothes from the top drawer in my bedroom, I trust you not to touch anything other than the top drawer, you got it!?" 

No response.

"Benrey, did you hear what I said?"

Again, silence.

Gordon opened the door, slowly peeking inside. 

What. The. Fuck.

"Benrey what the hell happened to the water?? It's so.....muddy" Benrey hasn't been in the bath for long and the water has already taken a brown-ish red color, it was absolutely disgusting. And the smell wasn't any better, in fact it was smelling a lot like blood, still. Gordon couldn't help but take a closer look at Benrey's face, this idiot was still wearing his helmet. He can't do anything right, can he.

"You dont wanna take off your helmet?"

"Nope." Benrey replied with a smug expression. Gordon couldn't help but wonder...

"When was the last time you washed your hair, dude?" He expected his answer to be somewhat between a week and a month, perhaps a year?

"Dunno, can't remember"

Even worse.

Gordon took a few steps closer and got a grip on Benrey's hemet, if he didn't want to take it off Gordon would have to force him, his home, his rules, right?

Immediately Benrey grabbed his wrists, preventing him from pulling it off. Benrey was a bit bigger than Gordon, stronger too so it wasn't easy to get the stupid helmet off.

"Bro don't do that, you're so mean. Gordon...Meanman"

"I just want you to wash your fucking hair! I told you if you wanna stay you'll listen to - ME!" To Gordon's surprise Benrey let go of his arms which caused him to stumble backwards and fall to the floor. Ouch. At least he got the helmet off- what is that!?

Almost immediately a bunch of bugs crawled out of Benrey's helmet and over Gordon's fingers which made him drop it. "Gross! Gross! Gross! Dude!!" His reaction only made Benrey cackle like a maniac. 

"What, ya scared of some bugs, Feetman? Babyman? How come you're such a uhhh...such a pussy? 'S just some critters, bro. "

Gordon couldn't believe what he's just witnessed, the bugs crawled out of the bathroom and disappeared through the front door. What the fuck do you say about that. Where did those bugs even come from? Did they come out of his hair...?

"They don't live in your hair do they?"

Benrey looked at Gordon with the same smug expression. "Nah they just be my roommates, friends, buddys, occasional snacks-"

"Alright! Stop talking I don't wanna hear that! Just..wash your hair, dude. Just for once, do what I tell you, please. I want you to look like a normal person for once. Especially because my son's gonna be here!"

Gordon looked defeated, Benrey has only been here for about an hour and things were already getting overwhelming, and he'd have to keep up with Benrey even longer, considering he didn't have a place to stay. Maybe he should overthink his decision and send him off to Tommy.

Benrey decided not to protest for once and actually did what Gordon told him, taking one of the nearest shampoo bottles and pouring some on his hand. He didn't have much hair on his head to begin with, it was jet black, pretty short, probably kept short so it wouldn't get in the way when you wear a helmet all day. He actually looked pretty decent without his helmet and that dark shadow around his eyes, the only thing giving away that he wasn't human were his creepy eyes and his concerning skin color. Neither was Benrey bad looking at all, Gordon noticed, wait wait- _don't think about that, Gordon!! You need to go pick up Joshua and buy groceries. Get up, Gordon move your legs!!_

"Like whatcha seein' huh?" 

"Huh?" Gordon didn't realize he has been staring like a creep, he wasn't used to seeing the security guard without his helmet.

Immediately he let out an embarrassed huff, jumping to his feet and averting his gaze so he would stop staring at the man in front of him.

"You wish! Did you hear what I said earlier? About the groceries and-"

"The drawer, yuh bro."

Gordon's head snapped back to look at Benrey, furious, he had that stupid grin on his face again. He did hear him! He surely just wanted Gordon to come in, for whatever reason really.

Gordon didn't bother responding, instead just making his way out of the bathroom. He grabbed the note from the fridge, his keys and made his way to the front door. He had to get going or he'd be too late to pick up his son, he promised him to watch a movie tonight and cook him his favourite food. Despite Benrey being here he'd have to give his son what he wanted. He should probably be more strict with Joshie, but he's a good kid, getting what he wants every once in a while is not a bad thing, right?

Gordon opened the front door, turning back around to give Benrey a signal that he was leaving. Immediately Benrey started yelling back. "Bro, grab me some doritos while ya there!"

The ex-scientist could only grunt and left his apartment. Benrey gave him a headache he hadn't had in a while, such a nuisance. He would have to talk to Tommy about this, surely he'd be fine taking Benrey in, they're best friends after all, right? To be fair Gordon didn't know much about their relationship but they were friends, he knew that much.

Surely Benrey wanted to see him just to mess with him, getting on his nerves, pissing him off like he always did back at Black Mesa.

Sigh.

He would have to be strict with Benrey while he's here, he couldn't just do what he wanted. Especially not with Joshie being there as well, he would have to set some rules. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, i rarely write fics anymore but I felt the need to with these two, bc I'm obsessed with hlvrai atm. Just wanna mention that English ain't my first language so if I mess up at certain parts cut me some slack.
> 
> I'm also an artist so if ya wanna check that out perhaps here you go B]  
> Instagram/Tumblr @Nervigg


	2. Movie night

"What were you thinking, Tommy?"

Gordon was pissed, and he was making Tommy hear all of it over the phone. He could barely hold it, having to carry the grocery bags and making sure Joshua wouldn't run off on his own since he couldn't hold his hand.

"I'm sorry Mister Freeman, I thought it was a good idea...Benrey just- he just appreciates your company! And i don't think that he uh, gets along with my dad very well..."

Tommy sounded upset and it made Gordon feel bad, he was a good guy maybe Gordon shouldn't be too hard on him.

"I'm sorry Tommy, I guess I didn't think of that. But you better ask me next time before sending someone my way, got it? I was totally unprepared!" 

"Of course Mister Freeman! I just - Oh, it's time to take Sunkist on a walk. I'll- I will have to leave in a second. Bye mister Free-"

And with that Tommy hung up, without giving Gordon a chance to say goodbye. Well, whatever, seems like Tommy understood, he was fine with that.

________

Gordon and Joshua arrived at their apartment, he sat down the bags next to the front door and unlocked it, before pushing it open with his boot. Immediately Joshua ran past his dad, holding onto the little cowboy hat he was wearing.

He stopped in his tracks, there was someone in the kitchen. It was Benrey, of course, but neither of them have seen each other before.

It was weird to watch, Joshua who was usually loud and hyper turned quiet immediately upon seeing the stranger in their house. He took a few steps back and ran towards his father, hiding behind his legs. Gordon was freaked to say the least, this wasn't very common for Joshua but he knew Benrey so was it really that suprising?

Gordon picked the groceries back up and walked towards the kitchen as well now, pulling Joshua with him who was holding onto his dad's pant leg firmly. 

He sat the bags down on the kitchen counter, right next to where Benrey was leaning on it.

"Sup Gordo, who's the little shit?"

"Benrey!" Gordon immediately cut him off and put a hand over his mouth. First rule from now on, he had to be careful with Benrey's constant swearing, at least in front of Joshua. 

He gave Benrey an angry look that actually made him shut up for once. His hand now resting on top of Joshua's hair, he was very obviously scared. "What's wrong, Joshie?"

"He's big..."

Gordon looked back at Benrey who was still leaning against the counter. Yeah he was big, visibly so, Gordon thought to himself.

He wasn't wearing his helmet this time, instead he was wearing a pair of Gordon's black sweatpants that were too big for him but certainly fit Benrey just perfectly. As well as a simple blue tshirt that seemed a bit tight here and there. He was wider than Gordon of course his shirt wouldn't fit too well.

Gordon's eyes widened as Benrey started stretching his back, it caused his stomach to show a bit and Gordon couldn't help but stare at the little spot of exposed skin right where his bellybutton should be, he didn't have one, of course but he gave this a lot more thought than he expected.

Too distracted by benrey's stomach, he didn't notice him talking, trying to get Gordon's attention.

"Huh?" Gordon blinked a few times and looked back up at Benrey's face, who was seemingly a bit confused about what had just happened.

"What was that for, bro?"

Gordon's face flushed red within seconds, which made Benrey smile slightly.

_Benrey noticed, great!_

Trying to change the topic he decided to pick up Joshua and introduce him to Benrey instead.

"T-This is Benrey, Joshua. He's....an old friend of mine. He looks scary but trust me he's...nice. You don't have to worry, alright?" Gordon was very obviously lying and he felt bad about it but making Joshua feel less scared was all that mattered in that moment.

Benrey held out his hand, seems like he was trying to greet Joshua with a handshake, good this was going better than expected. Joshua hesitated but eventually grabbed his hand too. Benreys hands were gigantic in comparison, Gordon held up his free hand and tried comparing it to Benreys.

He kinda wanted to reach out and hold it too, just to see how much bigger it was. Of course he just wanted to check. His mind began to wander, wondering if Benrey's hands felt warm at all or if they would be cool, would that be worse? Gordon was freaking out, overthinking, all because of Benrey's stupid shirt choice and his stupid big hands and-

"Dad? Are you sick?" Joshua suddenly asked, putting a hand on his dad's forehead.

Gordon sighed and looked back at Benrey's face, that fucker was smiling again, did he know what was going on? _Play it cool Gordon why are you freaking out, calm down._

"Oh! Daddy is just a bit exhausted from all the grocery shopping, that's all!" Gordon let out an awkward laugh and set Joshua back down on the floor. He was pouting, looking concerned at his dad before making his way out of the kitchen.

"Next time I carry the bags! I'm really strong too!" He yelled and then disappeared into his room.

The atmosphere suddenly got very awkward, Benrey and Gordon alone in the kitchen staring at each other, no one saying a word. He was hoping for Benrey to leave or at least say something but there was just tension between them, silence.

Gordon decided to break the silence by clapping his hands together and changing the topic. "So! Let's get dinner ready, right...?" Benrey didn't move but instead sat down on top of the counter not saying a thing.

_Fuck, why won't he leave!!_

"Benrey, uhh how about you go sit down in the living room instead? You're not a big help here anyway." 

"Wow, rude. Maybe I just wanna enjoy the view for a moment, damn." And with that Benrey got up and made his way out.

Gordon eyes followed him slowly, once he was gone he let out a long sigh before resting his hands on the kitchen counter. _How embarrassing! What's gotten into you, Gordon!?_

He would've loved to skip dinner and just go out to eat at this point but he promised Joshua to make his favourite food, which were dino nuggets atm but he promised and a good dad never breaks his promises.

________

Joshua insisted they would eat dinner while watching TV and of course Gordon let him, why not, this would be nice.

They picked out a movie and started eating. Well, everyone but Benrey. He sat on the couch, poking his food with the fork.

It was weird to look at, has he not seen these things before? Gordon decided to ask, he made the food after all, he should at least try it!

"What, never seen some nuggets before?" 

Benrey looked at him, huffing before answering. "Uhhh, no bro. I know about nuggies 'n shit. Just never had anyone cook for me." He picked up one of them with his fingers and stuffed it into his mouth. Closing his eyes while chewing before turning back to Gordon.

"Damn bro, these ain't bad. Pog."

Joshua, who was sitting on the floor, eating at the table in front of them turned to look at Benrey. He was still cautious around him but they hadn't had someone stay over in a while now, so he was definitely curious.

Then their eyes met and Benrey gave him a big smile which made Joshua gasp with excitement. He immediately got up and started jumping up and down while pointing at the security guard. "Your teeth!! They look really cool!" 

His reaction made Benrey laugh as he set down his plate. "Watch this."

Out of nowhere Benrey opened his mouth, showing his teeth and letting his tongue slide out, causing Gordon to choke on his food for a moment. It went on for way too long, He'd been learning something new about Benrey all day, it was almost too much to handle.

He just watched in horror as Benrey reatreated it back into his mouth like it was nothing. 

"Woah, you're like a...like a snake!" Joshua exclaimed, sticking his tongue out as far as he could to try and mimic Benrey, who just gave a short "sure" as an answer before winking at the ex-scientist with a grin.

Gordon sank into the couch, stuffing more food into his mouth to distract himself from the obvious blush on his face.

_What a mess..._

__________

It was getting late and Joshua was starting to fall asleep by now. All cuddled up against his dad's chest, sighing quietly. Gordon should probably get up and tuck him in but he was way too comfortable to move, and slowly getting tired as well. 

His eyes darted over to Benrey who was still sitting next to him, head leaned back onto the cushion now, eyes closed. Was he already asleep? Did he even need sleep? Gordon couldn't help but stare once again. Benrey was calm for once, hands folded over his stomach and his chest slowly rising and falling with every breath he took. The atmosphere around him felt very calm and comfortable.

Benrey let out a long sigh and a smile creeped up on his face, as he opened his eyes a bit and turned his head to look at the man sitting next to him. He didn't say a word just looked Gordon in the eyes, smiling softly. Neither did Gordon bother breaking the eye contact, it was just them breathing, looking at each other with the quiet sounds from the TV every once in a while. The way Benrey looked so calm and relaxed, just so ordinary, not like a monster. It made Gordon feel weird.

Suddenly Benrey moved his leg closer to Gordon's, hitting him softly, possibly to cause a reaction from the ex-scientist, annoy him a little, just for fun.

Gordon didn't seem very annoyed though, he was still very calm and sat back up, holding onto Joshua so he wouldn't fall.

"I...think I'll head to bed, dude. It's getting late." He paused, looked down at Joshua for a second to check if he was still sleeping, then back at Benrey. 

He couldn't help but ask, "Do you sleep at all?" 

Benrey's only response was a shrug. Gordon opened his mouth to say something but got cut off immediately.

"I do, just don't need to. Don't gotta, ya know? Hp always on 100."

Gordon let out a small "yeah." like he understood how that'd work. He got up slowly, making his way to his son's bedroom and tucked him in, placing a small kiss on his forehead and leaving right after, closing the door behind him. He hesitated for a moment before walking to his own bedroom, giving Benrey a tired "Good night, dude." and head to bed as well. He closed the door, letting himself fall onto his mattress.

Benrey was behaving for once, well somewhat but it still drove Gordon crazy, he always thought of the security guard as an annoying abomination from hell, whose only purpose was to be a pain in the ass. But for once he was just calm, quiet, understanding, not rude at all. It made Gordon feel weird, he was so used to yelling at the security guard, getting mad at everything he did and said. 

He thought back to the way Benrey looked at him, his half-lidded eyes stabbing Gordon's heart without even knowing. Or did he know and this was the exact reaction he tried getting out of Gordon? 

Gordon grabbed his pillow and burried his face in it, letting out an angry grunt. Spending time with Benrey in a more relaxed environment certainly messed with his brain. In Black Mesa he always got in the way of him doing his Job, but here? Having the security guard in his home, on his couch. It was weird Gordon had to admit.

He turned his head to look towards his bedroom door and a slight blush creeped up on his face. _I wonder what he's doing right now..._

At the same time Benrey was staring at Gordon's bedroom door as well. Obviously wishing Gordon would've stayed a little longer, this was no fun. He sighed before picking up the remote next to him, resting his head on his hand before clicking through Netlifx. This was gonna be a long night.


	3. The calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for such a late update on this fic y'all. I dont wanna blame my mental health for it but it was the main reason + been struggling with some writers block. So here's a longer chapter as a little compensation! Next chapter will be out sooner, promise!

"Hello Gordon!" 

Standing in front of Gordon was a familiar face, it was Dr. Coomer, happily smiling up at him. Gordon has found himself back in Black Mesa, no section in particular, rather a general closed off area that he didn't recognize.

"Dr. Coomer...I haven't seen you in a while! What have you-"

In a matter of seconds Dr. Coomer was surrounded by a bunch of his clones, each and every one of them staring at Gordon intensely, all joy and happiness slowly dissapearing from their faces as they multiplied by a hundred with each blink of an eye.

A truly horrifying sight.

The room was dark, hundreds of eyes surrounding him. They were getting more and more as the room darkened.

Gordon looked around in panic trying to find an escape in this crowd of Coomers approaching him but it was effortless. 

The Coomer clones where everywhere, it was worrying, knowing Dr. Coomer's strength and Gordon's previous experience with the clones, he had to get out of there before it was too late.

Suddenly all of them called out to Gordon, the sound of each and every one of them calling Gordon's name was terrifying, he wasn't sure what to in this situation there was no way to escape. 

Out of nowhere it got very quiet, all of the Coomer clones pointed forward, not at Gordon directly but apparently something behind him.

"Gordon! Look!" One of them called out and when Gordon turned around to see what it was about all he saw was Benrey, standing tall above all of them, before Gordon was able to react he grabbed him like a toy.

Benrey held Gordon close to his face, examining the man in front of him closely. The security guard was barely recognizable, almost like he had no face but that terrifying, sharp grin and his uniform he wore not too long ago.

He didn't speak just had a big smile on his face, a smile with malicious intent, Gordon could feel it and it made him feel sick.

Gordon let out a surprised gasp as Benrey got hold of his right arm, holding it between his thumb and index finger. 

"NO, NO NO PLEASE DONT!" was all Gordon managed to yell out at the top of his lungs, but Benrey didn't listen, no one listened, it was just him and Benrey emerged in darkness.

Trying to get out of the security guards grip, Gordon hit and kicked his hand, it was effortless as Benrey squeezed his arm slowly, putting more and more pressure on it before digging his nails into the soft flesh of his arm when he started pulling and-

He woke up with a gasp.

Ears ringing, cold sweat dripping down his face.

A nightmare, that's all.

He took a moment to collect his thoughts, looking around it was the same old room he's used to. He took a few deep breaths and let himself fall backwards onto the mattress again. His heart was beating fast.

Gordon held up his right arm, turning his hand around and flexing his fingers. Making a slow, loose fist, and opening it immediately after. He did it a few times, it almost felt surreal and It sure as hell felt bad.

It was his arm, he knew that. It was part of him. If it wasn't for that nasty scar going around his lower arm you wouldn't notice a difference, from the outside at least. It felt different.

"What the fuck, man..." He managed to say before his eyelids got heavy again. He put his arm down, letting it hang off the bed. He was still so tired. Tired...tired......

It was so quiet too, not a single sound could be heard. He opened one of his eyes slowly, making sure to check the time before he'd drift off to sleep again. Reaching for his phone that was next to him somewhere, he got a glimpse of the date and time and let it drop on his chest.

11:26am on a saturday, that's nice.

Wait.

Gordon's eyes shot open as he sat up immediately.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck my alarm didn't went off! Joshua! Benrey! shit!_

He got to his feet in a matter of seconds, stumbling out of the room, wearing nothing but a T-shirt and some boxers.

They weren't in the living room, neither the kitchen, though he stopped in his tracks when he heard Joshua laugh, it was coming from his room.

So he went to check and yeah, he heard right, Joshua and Benrey were both in his son's room, on the floor, surrounded by various toys and plushies.

Gordon decided not to enter yet, instead take a little peek inside and see what they're up to.

And it seemed like they were playing, Joshua was showing his toys to Benrey, he didnt pay too much attention to anything but one toy in particular.

"Yo what's that one?"

"This?" Joshua got up and got hold of the toy Benrey was referring to and gave it to him, which was a little Rainbow dash figure.

"You play with that stuff?"

Benrey sounded pretty uninterested, not sure if he'd be nice about it. What was he even talking about? "That stuff"? What, girl toys?

Joshua basically begged his dad to buy those for him that day and of course he wouldn't deny his son to play with glittery bright little horses. Why? Because that's fucking stupid. It's just painted plastic anyway.

"Yeah! Dad bought them for me! But I like Applejack more because she looks like a cowboy!"

"Hm" was all Benrey had to say to that while taking a closer look at the Rainbow dash figure Joshua gave him. The rainbow color of the little hairs made him think. It reminded him of the sweet voice he hasn't been using in a while now, weird.

Benrey's been at Gordon's apartment for about a week at this point and Gordon wasn't as mean and angry as he was in Black Mesa so no need to calm him down using the sweet voice so far.

It was usually like a distraction, a tic you could say. Stim maybe? At least that's what Tommy explained to Benrey and that explanation didn't seem too far off. Seems like being around Gordon constantly occupied his mind instead.

They were suddenly very quiet, maybe this was the time to finally say something and enter.

So Gordon knocked softly and did just that.

"Hey...I overslept a little. Did you guys already eat yet?" He asked, scratching his neck, he felt awful about forgetting about Joshua, since this wasn't a rare occurrence at this point.

"Morning, sleeping beauty." Benrey said, smiling brightly, it seemed genuine which made Gordon smile slightly as well.

"We had some bomb ass cereal, uhhhhh....fruit loops n shit. I can take care of your baby don't worry, bro."

Gordon was still a little tired, despite the adrenaline boost from before, causing him to ignore Benrey's swearing in front of Josh. He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms.

"So? Its Saturday, what do you wanna do today? It's not like I have anywhere to be anyway..."

Which was true but he tried not to think about it too much lately, ever since the "incident" back at Black Mesa he hasn't been working there as much as he had before. Since the whole thing was blamed on him, everyone was keeping their distance, some not even talking to him. It was still a surprise that the whole facility hasn't just been shut down after what happened.

"Yo, Freeman."

On second thought, you can't really shut down a huge facility like that and not expect any losses, right? They probably dealt with similar stuff happening way before Gordon even applied. It felt bad to be everyone's scapegoat though, he had to admit. Everyone blaming him for things he had no control over, making passive aggressive comments at him. It did make certain days harder than others.

"Gordon."

"Huh?"

Gordon snapped back into reality and looked around for a second before he caught both Benrey and Joshua staring at him. He was spacing out again, dissociating? No idea at this point.

"You alright, bro? Looking kinda...uh not good. "

"I just...didn't sleep well, I guess. It's fine though, it's all good! I'll...I'm just gonna take a shower real quick, I'm sure that'll make me feel better."

"Shiiit...without me?"

All Gordon gave as a response was a weird expression like he was gritting his teeth. He let out a huff through his nose before turning around, closing the door behind him.

"Not now, Benrey!"

Gordon was so easily flustered and got defensive it was kinda cute, no wonder Benrey was trying to get reactions out of him. Besides, not now didn't mean no ;).

"Your daddy's a weirdo, you know that?"

Benrey was talking to Joshua like he was one of his peers, he didn't ever interact with children before, who can blame him.

"He's not weird!"

"He is."

"No he's not! He always buys me toys and makes my favourite food and I get to stay up late sometimes and then we watch movies and play together. He's very cool"

It was sweet to see Joshua defend his dad like that, his dad was far from perfect, he didn't even consider himself a good dad but apparently his son did.

"Do you like him?" Weird question Benrey, this kid is 4 years old of course he likes his dad, dumbass.

"I love my dad! You love your dad too, right?"

Oh.

Benrey looked kinda upset about that question and rested his head on the carpet he was lying on.

"Don't have one. 's just me, no family."

Joshua got up and sat down on Benrey's back, putting a hand on his head to console him.

"We can be your family if you want to! You can just stay here, Dad can make your favourite food too! And we can play games together when Dad is at work."

Benrey was happy enough with the man tolerating him and allowing him to be near him. Allowing him to stay at his place. He could still kick him out anytime if Benrey misbehaved.

What does family even mean to people. Why is it so special, is there even an answer to that? Seems like you only really know when you have one yourself.

"Will think about it."

It was getting quiet again, damn he really didn't know how to exist without Gordon Freeman, huh. Benrey kept staring at the closed door, kicking his legs back and forth. This sure was boring.

Maybe he could close his eyes for a second, surely it was fine if he stopped playing with Joshua for just a bit-

"Hey Benny!" Joshua exclaimed, sliding of Benrey's back, putting his head on his shoulder while sitting right at Benreys side.

"Are you tired?"

Benrey only response was a short "hmm"

And with that Joshua also closed his eyes for a moment as well, falling asleep almost immediately.

____________

30 minutes later Gordon finally left the bathroom, hair still wet yet instead of drying it off immediately he was walking around with a towel on his head.

He wouldn't forget about his son this time, so he got some coffee ready and made sure to check on him and Benrey, less worried this time.

He opened his son's door cautiously for whatever reason, seems like they were done playing. Benrey was sitting on his son's bed taking closer looks at Joshua's pony figures while Joshua himself was tucked in, taking a nap.

It was heartwarming to say the least. To think that he was worried Benrey would treat Joshua badly or even hurt him. They were getting along and Benrey was taking care of him. It caused Gordon to smile wholeheartedly. A smile he wasn't able to repress, really.

Benrey looked up at him when Gordon was waving his hand around without saying anything, gesturing to follow him out of the room. He took a quick look at Joshua, making sure he was still sleeping before getting up and following the other man into the kitchen.

"What are ya smiling about, huh?"

He went back to teasing Gordon immediately, poking him into his sides, almost making him lose grip on his coffee mug from laughing too much.

"Benrey! I'm gonna spill my coffee, you asshole!"

Both of them were hitting and poking each other while laughing and giggling softly when Gordon placed a hand on the other ones chest.

"Alright, enough of that, big guy."

Both of them were smiling still, looking at each others faces. They were both blushing a little, it was way too obvious.

"Wanna kiss?"

And with that Gordon took his hand away and leaned against the kitchen counter. He rolled his eyes, that smile not leaving his face though.

"Stop it dude. No time for jokes."

Little did he know Benrey was dead serious, a little kiss would've been nice. Would probably taste like coffee too now that he thought about it.

"Listen, man. It's about 1pm, still pretty early so let's do something. You wanna go out or something? I really have nothing in mind so it's up to you today."

"Uhhh we could play some video games."

He'd usually turn Benrey's request down, as Gordon wasn't really a big gamer to begin with, he did play video games sure, older ones at that. Benrey had mocked him for it before, calling him a "boomer gamer" for playing games that came out in the 80s. This morning started out pretty wack maybe a little gaming could be a successful distraction, since that upsetting feeling was still very much present.

He set the mug down after taking one last sip, letting his hands rest on his hips.

"Alright then, dude. I'm down, whatever."

He would let Benrey decide, why not.

____________

To his surprise Benrey settled on playing Mario Kart on the Wii, at least something Gordon was familiar with. So he had an actual chance for once.

They sat down in front of the TV, waiting for the game to finally start.

When it was time to pick characters Gordon was immediately bashed by Benrey again, to no surprise.

"Dude, Yoshi?"

"What's wrong with Yoshi?"

"Yoshi is big boring. Only boring old nerds pick Yoshi."

"Like your choice is any better, princess."

"Uh yeah, princess Peach is neat. Real cool, pretty, strong, you wouldn't get it nerdy Freeman."

Gordon rolled his eyes at that, not funny.

"Alright whatever can you just start the cup already..."

The loading screen faded and the race was about to begin.

With that Benrey put a hand on Gordon's thigh and squeezed it, digging his nails into the other's leg, which made Gordon jump, face immediately turning red.

He gave him a big toothy grin, as he leaned in closer into Gordon's personal space. Competitiveness was basically written on his face, that much was obvious and Gordon was undeniably intimated by that.

"You're gonna lose big time, loserman."

Benrey turned back towards the game, leaving Gordon sitting at the very end of the couch, confused and slightly sweaty.

The race started and Gordon missed the countdown as everyone including Benrey rushed past his character.

"Stop distracting me on purpose, fuckhead!"

Yup, that's definitely what it was.

____________

"Dude...." with a defeated expression Gordon fell back into the cushions. He lost. 4th place.

Benrey let out a cackle, setting the controller down. He had ever right to laugh like that, he won every race in first place like it was nothing while Gordon was trying his hardest to catch up.

The ex-scientist let out a long sigh, closing his eyes and resting his head on the back of the couch, when Benrey suddenly had something to say.

"Do I get a prize?"

A prize? For winning a round in Mario kart?

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I want a prize."

"Fine. What do you want? Some chips, powerade, uhh maybe some-"

Benrey decided to show him instead and put Gordon's face into his hands, holding his head in place. His own face inching closer and closer, a kiss? Is that what Benrey wanted? Gordon was frozen in place, hands at his own chest as a gesture to comfort himself.

This wasn't what he expected, but why wasn't he moving? Benrey's face inched closer and Gordon shut his eyes, face burning at the thought of their lips touching.

But that thought was immediately thrown out the window when Benrey turned his face and kissed him on the cheek instead, letting go of his face in a second.

It wasn't even a proper kiss, it lasted two seconds and when Benrey pulled back he audibly said "mwah!"

Gordon almost didn't notice he was holding his breath, breathing out softly and putting a hand on his cheek.

"What, disappointed I didn't stuff my tongue down your throat?"

"SHUT UP!! Please just shut up, god..."

He wasn't mad, Benrey knew that.

"You're talking too much!"

Benrey couldn't help but giggle at his reaction.

"Want da real deal? Lips 'n everything.

He didn't even give Gordon enough time to answer before leaning forward again, resting his hands on Gordon's legs.

PANIC MODE.

Gordon kicked the other off of him within seconds, causing him to land on the floor face first.

"Dude! Wha- What the hell are you doing!? You're acting so weird today!"

"Chill bro it's just a lil joke." Benrey said with a grunt, rubbing his forehead. That hurt.

God, this was embarrassing, real embarrassing and it made Gordon jump to his feet immediately. He fidgeted around in place for a second, before rushing to the front door.

"You're unbelievable! This isn't fucking funny!"

And with the door slamming shut, Gordon left.

His face was burning, bright red. What a mess. He wasn't even sure where he was going, he just kept walking for a while, trying to calm himself to forget what had just happened. Things were already bad enough, this was only confusing him even more.

Meanwhile Benrey was slowly getting up, lying back down in the exact spot he was in before, just without Gordon this time. And damn did it feel less comfortable without him, the cushions were still warm where Gordon was sitting before.

The security guard let out a long sigh, every time he tried approaching the other in any way he'd always get pushed away, he would be lying if he said it didn't bother him sometimes.

Gordon made him feel warm inside, happy, calm, occupied his mind from all the bad stuff. Wanting to make Gordon feel the same wasn't such a bad idea in theory, but of course he couldn't force him to like him, as much as he wished it was possible.

He thought Gordon would warm up to him, after all this time they spent together. But he was just as stubborn and defensive as always.

Benrey shut his eyes and stopped thinking for a moment before slowly drifting off to sleep once more.

____________

-SLAM-

"Huh?"

Benrey jumped up at the sudden loud noise, waking up immediately. He actually did end up falling asleep, who knew how many hours it's been.

The front door flew open, and slammed against the wall. it was Gordon, completely soaked by the on going storm outside.

"There's a storm outside..." He mentioned quietly, as if if wasn't obvious, slowly making his way into the apartment and closing the door behind him with his hip.

Slurring past the living room he avoided looking at Benrey, immediately dissapearing into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind him.

The apartment was freezing, maybe it was just because of the state Gordon was in, completely wet, leaving a trail of puddles behind him.

Benrey sat up properly now, should they talk? Maybe he should tell Gordon how unfair it was of him to always push Benrey away, even when trying his hardest to be nice. He didn't even break anything while staying over, neither did he piss off the other much in any way. Well until earlier.

Maybe he should. He should definitely.

So he waited, not making a sound, waiting for Gordon to leave the bathroom and Hopefully come back to the couch.

5 minutes, 10 minutes. Gordon did not leave the bathroom, maybe he was trying to avoid Benrey and just give himself a little space from the situation.

Gordon never ran away to hide from Benrey, even after upsetting him he would always come back and tell Benrey what he thought of him. Yelling at him to let him know just how he messed up. Not this time though for whatever reason.

Benrey took a glimpse at the bathroom door, not expecting anything when it suddenly opened and his eyes went wide.

Gordon left immediately, escaping right to the kitchen. When he came back, he sat down next to Benrey and handed him a soda. Not even 5 seconds later Gordon started speaking.

"I...didn't mean to just leave you, man. Today has really been stressing me out, alright? That shit was just over the top, even if it's a joke. Plus I got caught up in the rain storm outside because of it and I just...man, sorry I'm just rambling I don't even know where i was going with this. Let's just forget about it, okay? I got too much on my plate to even think about this anymore..."

"Aight."

Gordon did seem stressed, upset even. His attention snapped to the window, seemingly more than just a rainstorm, he heard thunder. That's it for a nice Saturday evening.

"Wanna play another round of Mario Kart?" Benrey decided to ask to lighten the mood a little bit, but Gordon's attention wouldn't stray away from the window. He seemed too distracted to say much and just shook his head.

"You can solo this one."

The other didn't reply, taking the Wii remote back into his hands, starting another race. He was doing worse than before, struggling to keep up with the computers, even falling back into 7th place.

He was too distracted.

Should he apologize? That's nothing he's used to but that's what humans do.

"Gordon, are you mad at m-"

-BOOM-

A thunder so loud it startled both of them. Their immediate reaction was to look at each other when suddenly the power went out, leaving the apartment emerged in darkness, a familiar feeling.

The darkness was everywhere, there were occasional lightning bolts shining bright white through the windows, and yet it wasn't enough to make the room they were in much brighter.

Gordon was frozen in place, hands clutching at his shirt, his breathing got heavy, almost choking from the lack of air in his lungs. His heart beating so loud in his chest, he was sure he was going to have a heart attack soon enough.

The ex-scientist opened his eyes for a moment, trying to be strong, prove himself that he's a leader who doesn't get scared so easily, but he was also human, a human with fears, something he couldn't push aside and ignore.

So he shut his eyes again immediately, this feeling of the unknown was disgusting, unbearable even. So Gordon got a hand tangled in his own hair, gripping at the strands with force in hopes of distracting himself.

He knew he was safe, at home in his apartment, in a closed room, where he was safe but his mind was telling him otherwise. It was overwhelming, his whole body was aching, hot, he was out of breath, his ears were ringing and it just got louder and louder until-

Gordon remembered he's not alone.

"Benrey? You're still here, right? I- I don't have to worry about getting jumped again. Right?...." Gordon's let out a shaky laugh, like he was about to go full panic mode.

Benrey didn't reply, yet got hold of Gordon's free hand and squeezed it lightly to indicate that yes, he was still here with him.

Benrey let out a few streaks of sweet voice, the noise causing Gordon to finally look up and take away the hand gripping his hair so tightly, pulling out a few strands on accident. The bubbles lit the room in a pink hue, as well as their faces.

Benrey finally took a closer look at the ex-scientists face. His eyes were watering, was he crying?

Gordon couldn't help but turn his face away from the security guard, he didn't like him staring so intensely whenever Gordon would go into panic mode. He laughed at himself for a moment, this was stupid. He knew there was nothing to be scared of but he just couldn't get himself to calm down.

Benrey was awfully quiet, not saying anything about the situation. What do you even say in a situation like this? Apologizing wouldn't do much, would it?

They shared another look at each other, and Gordon seemingly noticed as well how quiet the other has been, having to ask to distract himselffrom freaking out.

"Why aren't you...saying anything?" Gordon asked with a sniff, rubbing his eyes.

Benrey looked a bit sad, guilty even about the whole situation.

"Sorry, bro. I was just gonna tease you a little, didn't want you to be mad at me. Was gonna apologize but you-"

"What? Is... this about earlier? Just...Just forget about it, man. It wasn't that big of a deal, I told you I-I was having a bad day I was just overreacting! Don't think too much about it."

"Promise?"

Gordon's hand was still resting in Benrey's, not bothered to remove it at all, it did help him feel less helpless and calmed him down, he didn't mind, at least for now.

Gordon looked up at the man in front of him again, who was desperately waiting for an answer. Should Gordon lie? Lie and tell Benrey that everything was fine and he just overreacted? He never cared about Benrey's feelings, barely considered them in the first place. When the science team went ahead and got rid of Benrey, he had to admit that it made him feel bad in some way. He never cared much about Benrey back then, why was this so different? He always told the security guard how he felt, maybe he should be honest instead.

"Benrey...Listen,man. I'm gonna be honest with you, I-"

Suddenly, a door slammed open.

"Dad! Dad!!"

Right. Joshua was still there.

Joshua came running out of his room with his blanket wrapped around him, apparently the loud crashing thunder had woken him up.

He reached the couch and basically tackled Gordon, burying his face into his father's shirt.

"Daddy, I'm scared..."

Gordon went ahead and picked him up, setting him down on his lap and wrapping the blanket around the two of them.

"Me too bud..."

The ex-scientist looked up at Benrey, whispering a "we'll talk later." In his direction.

Benrey closed his eyes, leaning against Gordon's shoulder and held on to his arm, making the other blush lightly, this was just like the other time. Overstepping boundaries, but by the look of it Benrey didn't even do it on purpose this time.

And so did Joshua, leaning against his dad, leaving the three of them in a cuddled up pile on the couch while Benrey kept lighting up the room with his sweet voice.

_Red to pink, I wonder what that means_ , Gordon thought to himself.

He took one last look at Benrey, resting his head against the other as well, whispering again despite not needing to. 

"Thank you, Benrey..."


	4. Take a fucking sip, babe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lived!!  
> Happy new years everyone! Enjoy some Angst for the last time this year

It was the next morning, around 9am to be exact.

Gordon was already awake, he didn't have to work this weekend and yet he was up early sitting at the kitchen table, drinking his hot morning coffee he so loved every day, a nice cup of coffee would surely get him started for the day but to his surprise, not this time.

He couldn't stop thinking about the night before, he freaked out and started crying right there in front of Benrey, making himself seem more vulnerable than he ever would've liked Benrey to witness and it was...embarrassing?

Hands still resting around his mug, he let his head fall on the table and decided to lie there for a moment.

He felt bad about it, ashamed even, he never wanted the other to see him act that way. Even after getting his arm cut off, which was a reasonable time to start crying and whining, even then he felt awful for being overly emotional afterwards.

Why was he even so upset about this? Being mad at yourself for experiencing feelings? Probably some unresolved issues including a certain woman he'd rather not think about too much.

Everything was fine before Benrey showed up, that was for sure. Benrey just messed everything up and it resulted in Gordon feeling miserable and weird.

 _I'm such an idiot..._ Gordon thought to himself when the security guard let out a few groans and began stretching, rolling off the couch and making his way to the kitchen, immediately wanting Gordon's attention.

He yawned, "Hey pretty princess, you're up early..." going ahead to take a sip from Gordon's coffee mug, which had him jump up immediately to try and take it back from Benrey. Now he wanted to take over his morning coffee as well, fantastic.

"H-Hey! I was drinking that!"

And with that Benrey finished the coffee and set it back on the table, smacking his lips a few times before giving the other a big toothy smile. Gordon crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow at the other.

"Since when do you drink coffee, I offered you some before and you always told me you didn't like the taste."

"I don't."

He couldn't help but snort at that, "Whatever."

Before Gordon could turn around to sit back down, Benrey grabbed his face, pulling it closer to his own while staring at him with dilated pupils.

"You hurt?"

"Huh!?"

"Your forehead, bro. Got a uhhhhh, it's red. You hurtin'? Hit your stupid little head?"

Gordon managed to get out of Benrey's grip, stumbling backwards a little in the process. Almost landing on his ass if it wasn't for Benrey grabbing his wrist.

The pressure of Benrey's big hand on his right arm sent fear down Gordon's back.

"Woah there Gordo, you a lil' clumsy boy, huh? Almost tripped there."

Gordon pulled his arm away immediately and sat back down, yeah maybe he was a little salty because of last night. He probably shouldn't be, not like it was Benrey's fault for the storm happening in the first place, or his complicated weird dilemma he had going on about being ashamed to seem vulnerable.

And well, Benrey had always been rather touchy, up in Gordon's face and it definitely didn't help that Gordon was a touchy person himself. Talking to someone and putting a hand on their shoulder, leaning against them, touching people's arms or faces, sure it wasn't on purpose but that didn't matter when he actively told Benrey to keep his distance and not be overly touchy with him when he does the exact opposite and just leads the other into thinking his words have no true meaning behind them.

"Yo, where's the little shit?" Definitely meant Joshua.

Gordon sighed quietly, "He's not here today I already told you he's with his mom..."

Oops, right. Sensitive topic for Gordon. Things were quiet for a moment, not sure where to begin Benrey started speaking again.

"Hey uhm, Gordo?"

"Hm?" Gordon, didn't bother making eye contact, instead checking his phones messages he has neglected since the day before.

"Bro uh, about last night..."

Benrey got interrupted by Gordon's phone going off, and it startled him a bit. Who could call him so damn early? It wasn't a number he knew, someone must've gotten his number and has now decided to call him, or worse it's something serious and Gordon is in trouble.

He picked up and before he was even able to greet the person on the other end, they immediately starting speaking, louder than needing to.

"Good morning, Gordon!"

Oh it's doctor Coomer, thank God.

"D-Doctor Coomer, hey! I haven't heard your voice in a while now, how did you get my number though?"

"Our dear Tommy was so kind to give me your phone number, so I could call you and give you an invitation! Though Tommy also said that you are a heavy sleeper Dr. Freeman, so I wasn't sure if you'd be awake! Early worm catches the bird am I right? Haha!"

Gordon looked around the kitchen to make sure Benrey was still around, who leaned against the counter behind him, certainly not interested in the conversation.

"Doctor Coomer you said something about an invitation just now?" He gestured a hand towards Benrey to make him come over and sit down next to him, possibly talking to Coomer a bit as well, since they haven't gone out much and interacted with many people lately. But Benrey didn't want to, he shook his head and turned his face away, pouting a little without saying a word.

Fine, who cares. Benrey wants to act like a child? Let him.

"Oh yes! An invitation to a party! I could of course just send you a "text" as people say but I do miss you Gordon, a little talk on the phone sure is nice!"

A party huh?

"Who's hosting the party?"

"Bubby!"

Of course.

"Doctor Coomer....don't you think we're a little too old now to go out and party?"

"Gordon I am at least 40 years older than you, saying at least here bc we're not sure what's canon! But, I am looking forward to a little party between friends like a child on Christmas! Tommy is going to send you the details if you're down and then we can get to partying!"

Gordon took the phone down for a moment, looking back at Benrey.

"Bubby is hosting a party and the others want us to stop by...you wanna?..."

Benrey's head snapped back to the other, he seemed to be thinking for a second. The science team did kill him, but aside from that? Nothing was against the idea, so he nodded with a little grin on his face.

"Uh, hey yeah we're down for a party I guess! Should I bring anything or?...."

"Nope! Just bring Benrey with you, that's all! Good bye, Gord-"

So far the science team didn't know how to hang up accordingly, it was a little funny.

Wait, he knew Benrey was here?

"I guess Tommy already told the others you're back, didn't sound like they would mind for you to tag along. A party huh?"

Gordon rested his face in his hand, suddenly reminded of the last party he went to, Tommy's birthday party aside of course.

"Man, I haven't been to a proper party in ages. Back in the day, when I first started studying to be a-"

"Boriiinnggg! You sound old, Freeman. Gordon oldman, talking about back in the day bullshit."

"Alright jeez! Sorry for bringing it up!"

Gordon huffed annoyed and got up from his seat, deciding to head to the bathroom to take a shower, he definitely needed one if he was going to head to a party later.

Wait. Wasn't there something he forgot about? He spared Benrey one last look, who looked a little upset, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, thinking for a moment before leaving the kitchen.

______________

By the time both of them arrived at the party a bunch of people were already there. Most of which were scientist's from Black Mesa as well as random people, who probably decided to join on their own because it was such a huge gathering and no one bothered to pay attention to any bouncers making sure every person that entered was fine and of drinking age. Talk about "a little party between friends."

It wasn't even a private party really more so a gathering at a random abandoned grocery store as it seemed.

It was really crowded when they entered and Gordon wasn't the tallest, at least not compared to his co-workers, making it easy to lose him, so Benrey decided to grab his hand loosely. Gordon looked back at the security guard for a second, confused, before pulling his hand away, didn't seem like he understood Benreys intentions, instead he held onto Benrey's hoodie sleeve and pulled him through the crowd of people in front of them.

Looking around the room he was trying to find his friends, the science team he's had so many adventures with at this point but the place was huge and there were approximately around 400 or more people around, making it hard to see anyone he really knew. They stopped for a moment, Gordon had trouble looking through the crowd, jumping up and down just to catch a glimpse of anyone he might knew. That was until Benrey tapped his shoulder and pointed in a specific direction.

"Potion man."

Wait, what did he say? Potion man? Must be Darnold then.

"Where is he!?"

Gordon was barely able to hear himself speak, it was so loud. Benrey seemingly heard him just fine and put an arm around the ex-scientists shoulder, guiding him in the right direction.

Finally, a familiar face.

"Oh! Dr. Freeman! Or is that too formal and I should just call you Gordon instead? Haha, It is nice to see you and uhm...Benrey! When did you two get here?"

Gordon, once again, pushed Benrey's arm aside. Great, real unfair, no fun. It was annoying that after everything that happened between them Gordon was still so against being touched and being close to people but he didn't say anything about it. Didn't matter. Not the right time. They would talk later, Gordon had told him.

"Oh, we just got here! I was actually looking for Tommy, did you see him anywhere!?"

Darnold gave them a little hand movement as a signal to follow him and lead the way into a big back room where a lot of people were gathered. Pushing through the crowd Gordon then spotted Tommy who was chugging on a beer can before crushing it on the side of his head, throwing it towards a few stacked soda cans, successfully making them all fall over as the crowd around him cheered.

Immediately he recognized Benrey's figure looming over the other party attendees and threw his hands in the air like an excited child.

"Benrey!!" 

"Yoo Tommy!"

Basically throwing himself at Benrey he pulled the security guard into a big hug, "I'm so glad you guys are here! This party is so much fun and it uh, it just got better, yeah!"

Tommy gave both of them a huge grin before leaning against Darnold's shoulder.

"Are Bubby and Coomer here as well?"

"Yeah we saw them earlier, not sure what they're up to right now though. I'm sure you'll find them soon enough! Why don't you guys have a drink first!" Darnold suggested with a big smile, throwing a beer can in Benrey's direction and handing Gordon one as well.

Man, it's been a while since he's had a nice, cold beer, even back at Tommy's birthday party all he had were a few soda sips.

Tommy let out a big cheer, "Yes! Go Benrey!!" The man in question took a big bite into the can, drinking it just like that in one go before tossing the can to the floor, carelessly, letting out a small burp.

Staring at his can, Gordon decided to attempt the same. Nothing ventured, nothing gained like Doctor Coomer always used to say, right? Obviously he didn't have strong sharp teeth like Benrey did so he had to improvise and took his car keys out of his pocket instead, stabbing the can quickly before drinking it just the way Benrey did a second ago.

Oh no.

Abort mission!!!

Gordon fucking choked on the drink, what an idiot, this was embarrassing. The crowd was audibly disappointed, booing at Gordon with some even throwing plastic cups at his feet.

That worked out great.

"Wow bro...This goes in the Gordon Freeman epic fail compilation. I thought you were good at suckin'. Guess not…" 

Benrey laughed at his own joke like it was a comedic masterpiece, being hit on the shoulder by an annoyed, embarrassed Gordon as a response.

"Oh, your arm!"

"Huh?" 

Oh right, Darnold didn't see his arm getting back to him yet, didn't even think about that.

"Oh uh, yeah i got it fixed, i guess…"

Gordon pulled up his sleeve, revealing the scar going around his forearm.

"May I?" Darnold asked, hands reaching out to get hold of his right arm. Gordon nodded slowly, as the other got a grip around his arm.

"Do you have any trouble with it at all? It looks alright to me."

"Not really just, not sure how to feel about it, still..."

"Any symptoms?"

"Oh uhm, occasional phantom pains, feeling detached from it sometimes, you know? I guess...I'll get used to it eventually."

Darnold's hands went up a little further, fingers getting closer and closer to the scar he so deeply hated looking at. His eyes were fixated on the other mans hand, why was this so scary? He was barely able to move, when he felt Darnolds thumb tracing his scar.

Gordon pulled away his arm once more, sweating a little.

"S-sorry, man! It's sensitive!" Gordon almost yelled, yet again letting out a little awkward laugh out of embarrassment.

Fuck, that's why Gordon was against being touched. Benrey thought about last night, when he got to hold Gordon's hand, not even thinking about the fact that he probably struggles with this every day. Man, it was kinda his fault right?

"I'm uhhh...checking out what's over there." 

And with that Benrey rushed out of the room, disappearing out of Gordon's view. He almost didn't pay attention to Darnold speaking but snapped back into reality when he put a hand on his shoulder.

"Mr. Freeman are you feeling alright?"

It's so hard to pay attention, and focus on multiple things at once, Gordon slowly realized over the course of the past week.

"Yeah yeah, I just need a drink and some fresh air."

Darnold could barely reply because of Tommy putting all his weight against him, as well as an arm around his shoulder. All he did was point a finger to the right where another, smaller room was located. It was filled to the brim with all sorts of drinks, soda, alcohol, beer, water. He set on another beer for now.

Man, Gordon sure wasn't a big party person, what do you even do at parties? People drink and dance, right? That's party activities...

Sigh, this was no fun. 

Tommy was having a lot of fun instead, by the looks of it. Holding onto Darnold while swinging from side to side with his free arm in the air spilling his drink every time he moved a bit. He was almost unrecognizable, who knew Tommy was such a party animal.

But wait, where did Benrey go?

Gordon looked around the room, Benrey was nowhere to be seen. Instead other things came to mind while watching people. Some were holding hands, making out right then and there, seems like some had more drinks than others. Of course his stupid brain had to think about the day before, Benrey coming ridiculously close, about to kiss him, them holding hands, cuddling.

His face went red at the thought of it actually happening. If he wasn't such an overthinking idiot, that freaks out about anything not going according to plan he would actually have a chance with people.

It was annoying, why was this angering him? Was it the idea of him and Benrey making out on the couch that was making him mad or the fact that it didn't happen?

_Just stop thinking about it, Gordon. It's not about Benrey it would be the same with anyone else!_

He walked out of the building for a moment, the air was freezing cold, he definitely should've brought a jacket, dammit.

Oh, someone else was in the parking lot.

"Bubby?"

"Gordon?"

"Coomer!"

He almost didn't notice doctor Coomer standing right next to Bubby, yelling out his own name, before tackling Gordon and pulling him into a big hug.

"Gordon! It's good to see you! I'm glad you actually decided to show up!"

"Hey, yeah. It's good to see you two as well."

Of course Bubby didn't bother going in for a hug, instead giving Gordon a few pats on his back.

"Wuh- Gordon, it's fucking freezing out here did you not bring a jacket?"

He didn't. Benrey didn't put on a jacket, so he thought he'd be fine.

"I forgot to bring one, I didn't think it'd be this cold tonight..."

Since when did he do what Benrey did? When was that turning point of suddenly liking him? Tolerating him, laughing at his jokes, eating dinner together, cooking him breakfast?

His thought got interrupted by Bubby shoving his coat in Gordon's face.

"Put on mine, idiot. I can already see by the look on your face you're not doing well so take it. You're gonna get sick."

So Gordon put it on, it was still warm, it was pretty comforting. It caused him to smile a little, Bubby wouldn't often show it but he did care about Gordon and the others, he's just a bit defensive. Almost like a dad.

"Thanks, man."

"Yeah yeah, just give it back later."

"Oh Bubby, you're so caring!"

He seemed embarrassed about that statement, immediately turning away from both of them, straightening his back and getting ready to walk back inside.

"Whatever. Let's get back inside I need a drink!"

And with that, both of them left, leaving Gordon outside by himself, in a coat that was a little tight here and there.

He took a moment to think, the sky was empty, full of stars, Gordon looked around but no one was there with him. The music was loud enough to still be heard outside the building but he still wished he could share this moment with someone. Someone like...Benrey?

No no no, that's dumb, ridiculous even. It's not about Benrey, it's just the circumstances that mess with Gordon. Being divorced for years now, not even a girlfriend or...boyfriend since then, just countless lonely nights where Gordon would sit in front of his PC at 3am watching random stuff that got recommended as to not bore himself, refusing to sleep for whatever reason.

Then black Mesa came around, meeting the team, meeting Benrey for the first time. Killing him was justified but it did feel bad, a little, at least at the time right?

God, it was way too cold out. Gordon walked back towards the entrance, looking up at the stars one last time before heading back inside.

Alright, plan: Give Bubby back his coat, sit down and talk to Benrey.

Gordon looked around the room, hoping to find Bubby and Coomer, but they were nowhere to be seen and neither was Benrey.

He ran through the building, took a peak into every room before he finally spotted Benrey's big silhouette. He was surrounded by a bunch of people, drinking, joking, suddenly a big honest laugh creeping out of him. What a sight.

Gordon approached the security guard, whose eyes lit up at the sight of the shorter man in front of him.

"Sup, man."

"Benrey, why did you just leave like that, dude?"

Benrey leaned in and put his arm around Gordon once more, taking another sip from his bottle before poking Gordon's cheek with it.

"What, you miss me? Missed big Benny being around?"

Gordon stayed quiet, he could answer, " _yes, Benrey I do miss when you're not around_ ", but that? He'd never admit that.

"You look so stressed, man. Take a sip c'mon. We can kiss if that makes you feel better, brooooo..."

Benrey leaned in, eyes closed. What the fuck, what the fuck people are watching. Would he even kiss Benrey if he had the chance? This was his chance but...there were so many people around them, watching, laughing at Benrey's behavior.

Gordon put his hand over Benrey's mouth, pushed him back a bit. The security guard took the chance to give the other's hand a little kiss instead.

Gordon immediately lost it, red faced within seconds, he was looking around the room, a little panicked if people saw anything.

"Stop it, man! This is fucking embarrassing!" Again, pulling his hand away, looking to the ground.

"I told you to stop touching me!"

Benrey's brows furrowed, he looked...hurt.

"Wow, you're so mean...I thought you'd start being all nice to me for once but you're still a Meanman."

"Yeah, guess why!? You keep pressuring me into things! I'm- Agh, I'm not ready for this! You don't even seem to care about how I feel!"

"You like it." Benrey replied with a smirk.

"It doesn't matter if I like it, you're pushing me way out of my comfort zone, man! You just want me to forget, act like everything is fine, right? Well, it's not, and guess whose fault that is!"

Benrey's expression shifted to something a little more annoyed, he never got mad at Gordon, fed up with his actions sure but whatever Gordon wanted, Benrey would do it. Regardless if he was in a worse spot, Gordon was all that mattered, always has.

"It wasn't only me and you know that. You're only mad at me, uh.. Bubby was part of it too."

Gordon now looked Benrey in the eyes.

"Bubby changed, you still pull the same shit over and over again!"

"Bro...I'm trying, bro. Didn't even break anything at your little nerd apartment, didn't eat your son, uhhh... Didn't... kept you safe, yeah!"

"Safe? I'm in constant distress because of you, asshole! Not only am I just, confused endlessly but I'm on the verge of panic attacks every other day because you don't! Listen to me! You fucked me up, Benrey!"

Silence, they were getting pretty loud and it caught the other people's attention.

"You were fucked up before I met you 'n you were fucked up after I was dead and gone. Why you blaming everything on me, bro?"

Benrey stepped closer to the man in front of him, staring into his eyes with frustration, burrying his finger in the other's chest.

"You were fucked up from the start, man. I'm not the core of your problems, blame yourself, Gordonnnn."

Gordon didn't move, an awful headache was starting to creep up on him. Was Benrey right? Was he already fucked up from the start and didn't want to acknowledge that the only one who's ruining things is himself? Blaming someone else for your issues makes it easier to ignore that you're the real asshole so you don't have to admit that you're a bad person.

Benrey's finger was still pressing into Gordon's chest, firmly, even hurting a bit but not as much as the realization of the situation.

Gordon was speechless, blinking slowly, he stared at the ground. The anger in him was building up by the second, there he went again. Gordon raised his head making eye contact with Benrey again who looked...surprised.

He didn't expect Gordon to react like this, maybe get mad and yell at him, perhaps hit him or even kick him but no. Gordon was frozen in place, staring back at Benrey, he looked mad, frustrated, hurt.

What now?

Benrey felt weird, he liked teasing Gordon and get a reaction out of him for laughs but this was different.

Gordon couldn't help but think about his wife, ex-wife that is, the day he knew things were going downhill, the day their love has officially lost it's spark. They were arguing, just like he was with Benrey. His wife so sure she'd find someone better than him, someone who "deserved" her as she put it.

"You make everything about yourself! You don't care about our feelings, do you? You were fucked up even before I met you, a marriage and a son aren't gonna fix that! I'm sorry, Gordon..."

With that she left.

Gordon's face turned, he looked unbelievably sad, if he still had his gun arm you'd bet he'd shoot Benrey right then and there but...

He slapped Benrey's hand away, not saying a word, turning his face away to avoid him.

Benrey leaned back, fuck this. He took off his helmet, let it drop right in front of Gordon's feet and turned, making his way out.

"Where are you going? We're not done here!"

But the security guard did not turn around, wow this really escalated. He looked around, everyone was avoiding eye contact, whispering.

"Gordon!" Bubby and Coomer entered the room, no doubt they saw what happened.

No way he was gonna deal with all of this right now, he took off Bubby's coat, threw it at him, grabbed Benrey's helmet and ran out of the building.

The air felt even colder than before, he ran past the parking lot, Benrey wasn't here, he walked around the building, neither was he there.

"Benrey! Where are you, man?" Gordon called out into the night, no response. He took one last look up at the sky, no stars visible, just a cloudy night. He made his way to his car, turning it on and drove home. Maybe Benrey went home, they would talk it out, laugh about it and forget everything that happened.

He parked his car in front of his apartment complex. His anger already passed by, it was quiet, cold and lonely. Benrey would usually insist on playing some music, even giving Gordon his hoodie if needed, but none of that this time.

He made his way up the stairs, stopping in front of the door. Did he want Benrey to be there? Maybe Benrey was mad and wouldn't wanna talk, they would fight even more and Benrey would leave to stay somewhere else and Gordon would be alone again.

He opened the door slowly, the lights were off, no sound at all, not even the usual snoring.

"Benrey?..."

The apartment was empty.


End file.
